* Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
* The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
* Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
* Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it
* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you’ve just made it again.
* There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.